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Mi Vida: La buena y El mal

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Friday, November 11th, 2005
1:01 am - Oh the great quotes...
"In a hundred years we are going to look mexican."
~Bella Desai

And you know she was serious, too. Damn realists!

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
11:41 pm - OMG!
So I just read that google is being fucking sued!


Copywright laws confuddle the fuck outta me. Honestly. Somebody should help me out with that forreal.

I swear if anything were to ever happen to my baby Google I would cry hardcore. Forreal. People need to stop fucking with my hubbie.

So yeah...that was random. I just love reading the news to see whats up in the world. Chillin at the library/biblioteca hardcore. I might sleep here tongiht. That is an option at the library here or I could get my lazy ass and catch the shuttle back to my dorm. Crazy, eh?

I saw Jimmy Carter today and it was amazing. He does a great thing to audiences. Inspires that is. He has such a warm heart and great mind. What a great guy. No wonder why he was the prez of the effin US.

I miss everyone. Please know this. Honestly. Everyday, I see someone that reminds me of someone from Metro. Like today I saw a boy that looks like Kevin would in college. My advisor for the next two years is a chemistry professor just like Lathrop was the chem teacher/my advisor. CRAZY!!

I am hellsa tired. Maybe I will just walk back to Turman. The last shuttle leaves in about 3 minutes. I am just too comfy. It is the same way I felt this morning which led me to missing my first and final class this year at 10:40. Sad shiz right?

Anyway, I miss you all.

BTW...I need some people's numbers....Brigette, Julia, Emily, Samantha, Catherine...Kevin...Anna...and everybody else I love dearly who I have not mentioned. I need all the numbers in my cell phone so I can call you up at random forreal. You know I love that shiz biz yo.

Anyway, I think I am going to sleep at the library today. I love it that much or maybe I am just that lazy.

current mood: tired

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Friday, August 26th, 2005
3:51 am - Oh What! Who's Connected Again?!!!
The Candice that is!!!!


Having a new ass cell phone that is which is possbily a cheapee, but still gets the job done as long as it doesn't fall and die.

What now?

Call her if you like, especially so she can program your number into her phone and especially so she can also get your adress so she can write yo ass, too.

But how?

Just by dialing the following number--- (314)477-2475

Do it today for it's a limited time offer!!!!!!

Not really. I just wanted to say that because a commercial of sorts was in my head.

Anyway, you know you guys will be in my heart and mind and will be missing you all like crazy. I have plans! I have plans!!!!!!! Oh the inner-machinations in my mind!! That's a Patrick Star for ya right there.

Too much Spongeboooob yo. Too much indeed.

If you care to know, my mailing address I think is...

Wait...nevermind... I need to remember my P.O. Box number which was sent to me, but now is lost. Oh well, I'll post that later.

I must get back to packing.

Love you all!

current mood: tired

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Monday, August 8th, 2005
3:33 am - Peter Jennings...Dag Yo!
Read that ol' Pete died of longer cancer at 67. I just saw him on the news not to long ago. He looked good. He spoke well as usual.

I'm going to miss him.

I hate it when people die who you didn't expect to die.

Especially good news anchors.

current mood: a tad saddened

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Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
8:33 pm - Mmmm...Harry Potter.....Mmmm....Mmmm
So I am about on page 5 or 6 of Harry Potter 6 now. Oh and it looks sooooo goood.


If it were possible, I would totally make out with Harry Potter Book 6. Well, maybe not make out, but definitely cuddle with at least.

Sometimes I think if I were another book in the bookstore like Barnes and Noble or Borders, I would totally wanna be next to Harry. Harry looks so good. He's all green, thick, and fresh.


Alright, so this rant may sound hella weird, but what can I say? I've had Harry since day 1 when I was in East Lansing, when it was received at approximately 1:34am at Barnes and Noble with Roi and Varsha and Taylor. Debate camp=not a place to be reading for fun. It's all about work. I woulda totally been dissin on Harry if I even dared reading while at camp. He deserves my undivided attention. My focus can only be on Harry.

He's too good for that yo.

And now, I am at home in my bed relaxing. A little peace as I told Mikael to come back later to play Reader Rabbit. Yet, a conflict arises.

As I have already consumed about 5 pages so far, I am like, "I don't want this to end." It mentions previous occurrences of earlier books and I'm like, "Man, should I read Phoenix and Goblet. The benefits are as follows:

1. Extending Harry reading pleasure time.
2. Refreshing memory for Book 6
3. Harnessing excitment of Book 6 by putting it off even more, thereby increasing sustainable happiness.
4. Taking my mind off of debate-related dreams which only make me feel angry and scared when I wake up. If you knew Kamal Ghali, Casey Harrigan, and Aaron Hardy, you would feel the pain as a 1N reading only five off case and no case arguements and reading shells unhighlighted and illegible and also without uniqueness or impacts who later must give a 1ar after a Kamal and Aaron Hardy block in front of the entire debate camp. Pissness! is all I can type/say. And you may not even understand it. If you don't, just "google" it, yo.

The not so benefits of this idea...

1. Risk finding out what happens in 6 by some whack ass source... i.e. internet email, broadcasting news, random joe shmoe on the street while waiting for a light to turn red so I can walk while he talks to random jane doe. ....Bitches!
2. Finsihing Harry and wanting more. I hate the feeling of ending yo.
3. Risk not reading book 6 for even longer amounts of time.

Hmm..what decisions to make in life. I am so conflicted. I want Harry, but where to begin. Book 4 and on? Book 5 and on? Just Book 6? Or Book 6 and then go back for more if the Harry thirst isn't quenched?


Mah was originally typed as Ham! by the way.


Anyway, help me out if you have decided to read this far. I will continue on with 6 for now, but always in the back of mi cabeza, piensando debo leer otros. Hm..spanish. I am apparently in Advanced Practice level according to my Emory Placement. Let's hope that exam was right.

I need to go.

But before I leave....

::Gives mad amounts of love to friends who I haven't seen all summer::


::more love givethness::


current mood: bouncy

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Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
11:17 pm - "That's my Girlfriend!"~Mikael
..Reaction: "WHAT?!" ::gets perplexed:: ::gets kinda scared::

Man, kids move too fast for me. Forreal. No joke as Natacha would say from Haiti. In all seriousness...having girlfriends at 5 is cute, but man, Mikael is soo like I dunno...fast. Why?! WHY?! Why NOW?!

Oh the thoughts in my head....

"....What if we need to talk about sex and all of its like details at like 8?"

"....What if some girl tries to get him caught up?"

"....Oh no! NO BABIES! NO BABIES TIL 24!"

"....Man, kidz...kidz..."

Meh...just a moment of sorts. I sorta expect Mikael to be into girls early. So many times in which Mikael has followed and "hit" on the ladies I can't even think of them all. I just keep one thing in mind the entire time--teach him to be a gentleman and teach him to be smart about some choices in life.

But yeah, that's out of the way now. He is currently with his "girlfriend" Amaya(sp?) and my aunt having a sleepover. Sorry, Brigette, but Mikael may not be your love bunny fo'evs like you mentioned.

I missed Black Eyed Peas sadly. I had to visit me mother in the hospital. She will be back tomorrow with her new knee. I sorta imagined my mom looking like a robot in my head before seeing her, but she looked alright and human. I still have to clean for her. BA-DAUMIT!!

I should go do that. I am hellsa bored right now and I want to go journal in my journal-journal, but I ran outta room or I think there isn't enough room for me to feel completed because I have so much to get out.


I need to make a list of things I want, but I want to budget my money and not spend it all at Arteymart. Maybe I will go play with Spike in the meantime in hopes of lessening my desire to buy out every product in artmartos.

Meh..its worth a shot.

I love you peoples!

I should see all of you!

Going to go shoot some time now.



current mood: bored

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Friday, July 1st, 2005
2:46 pm - "Don't Call Me Mikael Anymore.......
Call me...

Mr. Flycatcher-Man,

no wait....

Call me...

Mr. Mikael Flycatcher-Man!!"

~Mikael, while holding a fishing net ready to scout out some butterflies only in his undies

A good moment to come back home to after two weeks at the ENDI. I am recovering from travellingness still. I've been home since Sunday. Yeah, I am a punker-arse for not calling people. I missed peeps though and I do not have my cell phone still. Tres uhn on that yo.

I must share what I learned, however with you all.

Four things I discovered about debaters while at Emory:

1. Beer and other rums are the way to go after 9:45pm
2. Smoking various substances is the life until 3:30am
3. Playing beer pong is the best past-time
4. Trying to create and break world records involving butter, crackers, and popsicles is another great time shared amongst the crowd.

Thus, I saw and learned somethings while there. I think it was a definite taste of the college life. I had my fun and I am happy it twas my first job. When I got my paycheck I did a mental dance and felt some form of glee within.
I must also say that debating is exciting and teaching rising 9th graders is pretty cool.

Emory is getting very very exciting for me actually. I already spoke with my roomie and I met some peoples wile at the ENDI, I will be seeing in the fall and the debate coach is such a mother, which makes me do this---::smiles::. Apparently, I have a reputation and many colleges were hoping I would come to their school to debate. But I don't like it when you meet people and then they say, "hey, I've heard a lot about you." It's crazy, but hey isn't that the way things are all the time?

You know what else is exciting---Mikael's new hamster SPIKE!!!!! AWESOME! He's soooo cute and fluffy. Sadly, his tadpole, Hopper, died. And now this calls for an eugooggalee....or actually just a news bulletin:

While away on June 13, 2005, Hopper Merritt, was pronounced deceased. Found under his favorite rock, Hopper remained trapped underwater. There was no sign of foul play though Mikael was suspected. Reports indicate that Mikael was not present at the scene of the crime and was away out of town with his uncle. Police (aka his Mom) still considers Mikael a suspect. The victim's family is in great mourning.....

...RIP Hopper, 2005...::a nice tribute and picture slideshow of Hopper and Mikael begins to play at a grand ceremony::

Alright.. that's over. I miss that tadpole though. Even though in its first stages of life it freaked me out because all I was reminded of was semen, the little tadpole begin to grow legs and such and began looking like a cute lil froggie. And what must I hear via phone conversation with mother while at camp--that Hopper is dead. SADNESS! SADNESS!

Anyway, I must also mention that I miss cable and I am in love with the song "Wait" by Yin Yang Twins. Time is uh running short. My mother comes home from surgery tomorrow and that means time to clean the house for her. Thanfully she is well, but will need help getting around. Thus I must be going soon.

Before I go however, there are several things that remain unresolved for me right now. They are (and yes this is hella random):

-- What does vanilla ice cream and sugar taste like together?
-- What is an effecient way of sorting and washing clothes?
-- Can one eat hamster food and enjoy it--it looks just like trail mix?
-- Why is it when I google the word popsicle for a spell check action I get a website called mymasturbation.com with details of a female and her wild hot nights with popsicles AND I also get "Find popsicles now on ebay.com?"
-- With all of these things in mind, I must ask...what is the world coming to?

For now my peoples, love and more love and I am happy to be back and hope everyone's summer is going swell!

BTW....I need Brigette's number...wait...wait...I think I got it somewhere..I'll try my yearbook..

Anyway, goodbye for now.



current mood: Alright

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Monday, May 30th, 2005
11:15 pm - Mmmm...Life is so delicous I could just eat it!
"A Crust and a corner...make love....."
~Mikael practicing for his graduation speech part

He is getting there though. The actual line is "A crust and a corner that loves makes precious." I wonder what the whole thing is and I wonder how well will other kids do. I imagine a line of kids in front of an audience of parents and each kid says their line right until it gets to that 4th or 5th one and they say, "Uh....uhmm....butts....pigs...." and then another one picks up after one. ::bugs up:: Man, that would suck. That's why me and my parents are drilling Mikael on this one line even though I would find it funny in retrospect if he says "make love." It would be a good past time joke to tell his good friends later at dinner or his spouse when he gets married . Hmm... I really do have crazy ideas of the future sometimes.

Anyway, Mikael this friday graduates from preschool to the big kindergarten. What a big step that is--real school. Remember those days? Nap time. Trying to remember your address and phone number. Learning to read. Snack time. Learning addition and subtraction. Recess!! Ah... The child's world is soo small, simplistic, and innocent and very happy. You would never think that you could get so much joy out of looking at a tadpole grow or watching ants or kneeling over looking for rocks. ::shivers at the thought of tadpoles:: I really don't like tadpoles. They are gross. Yuck! But yeah, its great being a kid. Or maybe I just love Mikeal so much that being a kid seems awesome? I think it tis a combo of both. In the end however, I advocate that all of us go back to adopting a child's view of the world or maybe just their spirit? It could do us many a good. Forreal, yo. No kidding at all.

I'm tired. Tomorrow is Tuesday and school basically doesn't exist anymore. I have lots of time to clean and organize my room now. Listen to some new music. Read at random and enjoy everything that makes up the days. I've just realized that I leave for Atlanta next week for debate camp. I get to be a junior faculty member at Emory which means I get to explore Atlanta, Emory, and meet and greet with the debate team down there. SWEET ARSE!!!! Not to mention that I gets paid to basically have fun with peoples and let's not forget research. Man, research is a god or goddess that I just love to caress with my eyes as I pour all my energy into reading about the new topics of the days for hours and hours. It is a very sweet, enriching process.

And now this is when you look at me funny and say, "NERD!"

Oh well. I can't deny it. Knowledge is beautiful and the process of learning is a gift or skill that I was given by the coolest of people that create human existence. These people I haven't really thought a name for yet. Whether these people or human or non-human or higher beings I am not sure. My path to figuring out things when it comes to spirituality is just one that is becoming and is definitely the beginning. It's exciting though. Exciting indeed. Sometimes, it feels like an energy or force. At others it seems like a person. I dunno. Life is just one big question isn't it? A question we try answering everyday we wake up and look at our clocks and say, "Damn, why did I wake up and have to go to school?" Oh the essential questions of life. Oh indeed.

But in all honesty it does feel like I am own a journey and I am just a discoverer of the details I come across everyday, which include people, myself, objects, and more. Life is interesting. It's something that you can think about for the entire day and still not be done with it yet. Maybe the point of human existence is to learn? Like learning to love. Learning to be happy and enjoy what is given to you and what you have starting with yourself and then with others? Learning to share. Learning to connect. Learning to accept what you can't control like events or people. It goes on and on.

Just like this entry would if I werent so tired and about to call it quits. As I just told Mikael an hour ago--"It's bedtime for the Bonzos." I am a Bonzo for not sleeping right now and so is he for not being in bed at either. Man, that kid needs structure at times. Be quiet, Kat! Just be quiet!

Anyway, a good night to all and to all a good night.

Man, that's a really redudant statement unless I just totally effed it up with my tiredness. Please do correct me. Who said it in the first place though? Butthead whoever it was. They only lead me to effin it up on lj. Meh. whatevah. My bed calls.

Love you all!


current mood: content

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Saturday, May 28th, 2005
1:38 pm - Moments of Reflection...Moments of Appreciation
"There’s a natural mystic blowing through the air;
If you listen carefully now you will hear.
This could be the first trumpet, might as well be the last:
Many more will have to suffer,
Many more will have to die - don’t ask me why.

Things are not the way they used to be,
I won’t tell no lie;
One and all have to face reality now.
’though I’ve tried to find the answer to all the questions they ask.
’though I know it’s impossible to go livin’ through the past -
Don’t tell no lie."

~Bob Marley, "Natural Mystic"

Ahh..Bob Marley. What a man? What a man? What great music? Gotta love it.

So high school. I am finally cleared. Had to pay $22 for that damn entertainment book though. I knew it was going to come back to bite me in the ass. See what happens when you don't nip things in the bud when they come up, they come back to take one huge ass chunk out of you. That nearly broke my heart just to get Tony's signature.

Yet, it's all worth it. I'm cleared. Got the cap. Got the gown. Got that IB tassle thingy, which is partially broken when I was over Brigette's house.

Oh the price of going through IB and then getting a tassle which is later broken. It'll be fixed though by graduation.

I have a lot of things ahead me. Life being the main thing. I'm done with high school and its hard to swallow. A lot of things are for me. You get so used to having one thing, albeit a place, person, or process to be the cornerstone of your life. All revolves around it and then suddenly, right before your eyes, its gone. It is fact--Change is a part of life.

Being knowledeable of this isn't always easy though. I constantly say all these things and know all this, but does it make it any easier in letting go and adjusting? No, not really. I think it is more of a comfort to know that what happens happens, will happen, and should happen. All that is the day is life and all is so short. So short indeed.

I swear it always seems like I am writing a fucking book or diary in my head. If it were possible to listen in on my thoughts or somehow feel me within, one would go through a whirlwind or rollercoaster on life. You will look back. You will look in front. You will look ahead. You will see the moments of the past. See the present. And possible visions of the future. You would hear and feel the disappointment. The joy. The excitement. The doubts. The fears. You would see the world from afar. You would look beyond what meets the eyes. You will think of things that many never stop to think about. The meaning behind everything. The connection to any and everything. You will think of what today is. Where you are going. What has happened. What you learned. What you love. Even what you used to love. What you want. Or what you wanted. You will try making mends with yourself and with others or simply just the past.

Gyah! The human mind is so fucking indepth and intense like Lindsay would say.

Or maybe that's just mine?

One thing that I am learning to live with is this--the uncontrollable. Somethings can never be. Somethings can never be fixed even when you put all of your heart and soul and energy into it. Even when it feels or felt like you would have given anything for it to work, it can still fall and slip through your fingertips. You try catching each piece and putting them together and somehow it still ends up broken and still not what you wanted. This piece for me was like broken glass. Many times the glass got stuck in my hands and shards of it remained in my nails and it just cut me and hurt me beyond anything that I have ever felt before in my life. So many tears and so many scars. Sometimes its still there it feels. Sometimes it isn't. I tried mending the glass though. Tried sticking it back together. Tried it all. Yet the pieces with every attempt still cut me. Still hurt me.

In the end I look at the glass on the ground and see my reflection. I ask what am I doing and why. I ask is this best for me. I ask what should I do. In the end I have several options--I can either watch the pieces fall and see them lie there forever and continue hurting, creating more wounds and scars. Or look at them and then proceed to move on and look beyond the broken. Beyond the fallen. Beyond the pain. Beyond the scars. Beyond the hurt. Beyond the dissappointment. Beyond what didn't work.

I have no option but to take the latter.

You know what? You learn to live with pain. You learn to live with dissappointment. That's an amazing skill to master when you can and still see that life has good in not only tomorrow, but today in spite of the pain and things that burn you within. In spite of things that sting you deep when it is imprinted in your head, your heart, and your sight. To laugh when the world seems to fall apart is a beautiful blessing.

High school was thus a blessing. For some reason I feel like saying thank you. Not to anyone specifically, but just to life in general. To the past. To the present. And to the future. Cheers.

And this moment I call a moment of appreciation of just living for today. And what a great moment it is.

It feels like many of us are on autopilot all the time. It feels like I'm not on autopilot anymore and I am now able to just sit here and think and appreciate my today. And not worry about getting everything done. There is no dire consequence to thinking anymore.

Perhaps we don't do this enough? Reflect that is. Or maybe some of us do it too much?

A balance it should be then. A balance indeed.

To everyone, I love you and thank you if you have made it this far in this entry. I will see you around. I'm sure

Life is seldom lived in a linear pattern.

This is true because I have to come back up to Metro to get my diploma Friday.

Funny, eh?

Gotta go now.



current mood: Moving on a little bit more

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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
5:08 pm - Argh! I have two faces and i hate it so much!
I must admit. Yes, I like being nice. I like saying hi to everyone. I do like doing things for people. I hate ignoring people. I hate being angry and I really hate it when things don't go my way.

Yet. I do random nice things and it makes everything cool again. I am just selfish. All just to make me feel better. Uhg. I am stupid.

Why? Because I am still not satisfied and angry at shit I see. I hate it so much.

Do I hate the people? I don't know. I hate seeing things. That I know for sure.

All of this just makes me happy that school is coming to an end.

I dont understand me sometimes. I am just one big walking riddle. Or maybe I dont understand still having feelings for someone who seem to careless if you are there or not? Maybe that's what hurts deep down inside? And thats what makes me cry right now. Things dont matter anymore and to me they somehow still do. Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do and I come to school everyday seeing that it isn't for others. It looks so easy. So simple.

And I end up angry at who mostly? Me. Angry because I didn't want it to be this way now nor what it was then. Angry because I wanted and still want so much more. Angry because I can't be happy with things and I still get mad and sad. Angry because I used to have something and it feels like I lost it to him. It feels like I lost it because of me being shitty and crazy and just stupid. I just hate still having feeling while others dont.

And in the end after seeing them together, I feel like I want payback. In the end, my feelings of wishing it could have ended up better goes away quickly and in replace of it comes words of spite like, "That's right. I hope you do regret what happened. I hope you know you fucked up. I hope you do miss. I hope you do hurt. You'll never have me again nor my friendship at all because you are soooooo stupid."

I swear, it is all a back and forth thing for me. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I like you and still care and at others I could careless and can't wait to leave for good. Yet, something deep down still holds on.

Fucking feelings.

My niceness kills me at times and I feel like it will tomorrow.

Only a week left. Crazy. Crazy indeed.

Meh. I just feel like saying I pretty stupid and shitty right now and I just hate it and hate my state right now because now I just dont feel like looking at her or talking to her at all. Back to ignoring I go.

I just say that now because its just a moment I guess.

And on with the flow it goes.

current mood: sad

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Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
Ah..something isn't right with your choice of clothing when your son says, "Mommy, I can see your breats" whilst I lay on the floor.

I can't help it. They're outta control. I am thinking maybe its a bra issue, but like on that Stephen King movie, Storm of the Century, line, "I know better....I know better ::end credits begin to roll::" Yeah...So I am thinking maybe I need to do a better job of "covering up" you know just for the innocent eyes around me. But hey, its not like he hasn't seen breasts before. He knows what they are! So why should I cover? Tis a dilemma indeed.

The jist of this story is basically now I am going to change into pjs and get outta my school clothes. I am Dana tomorrow for school which reminds me I needs to look sporty or something. I gotta represent that pather pride that oh so many can't hide. I hope soccer did well today.

I was teased today. And it made me happy. Teehee. Teehees again. Just the thought is great.

I feel like screaming the following:

IB IS FUCKING OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woooooooooooooo!!!!!!

I gotta file my nails. They are beginning to scare me even. I have so much time on my hand and yet i am still tired and have so many plans to just enjoy life.

Go Harry Potter!!!
Go other pleasure reading!
Go piano self-teaching!

Muhahahahahahahaha. I am hella crazy right now. I must thank Corey for the Lost Prophets compilation he let me borrow, which reminds me i need to return it.

You know what else? I am not a cheater. Yeah I sorta hate losing in a way. But just a little bit. I will still say hi and be your friend after the game and all. I really hate not getting shotgun even though I feel like I am getting better. I will get Megan and Lindsay one day. Just you wait. At least once before I go off to college. And yeah I admit I cheat at DDR and I push Kris off the mat, but not to her death or anything. Is that not like cool? I mean we all know she's hellsa good at, why not have fun and push her while she still beats me?

And let's remember---I don't look at other people's cards, especially the innocent. Kat, let's just face it...you cheat forreal and your mind just skews the truth into painting you as some innocent angel when in reality you are just some slutty cheater who cheats all the time in most games.

......Monopoly....Scrabble.....Clue.....DDR.......Shoots and Ladders.....Candyland.....Boggle.....Cranium........Payday....Guess Who....and more....

Ok, maybe not at all those games but you will some day.

I need to go and do shit, like watch movie with family while doing CAS shite!

I want to end this entry by saying,


Love you all,


current mood: happy

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Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
7:22 pm - My, my, my... Ms. American Pie...Where have you been?
Where have I been?

A good question with multiple answers. School. Colleges. Home. Now just mostly school and home. After visiting Grinnell and Northwestern and Emory, my final decision comes down to Emory. Woot! Atlanta. And going to a great school for a good price. That should be hella fun, man. Hellsama fun.

It's crazy how college is coming up so soon. Everything is so fast. It really is true--time does fly. Just a minute ago, I was a sad, lonely, secluded freshmen who hated life and herself all the time. And now, I am this social, open, life-loving, more self-loving, and people-loving person. Tis crazy! The end is so near and I know I am going to miss it so much. Metro in general. The people. Everything!

I guess its true. It's not really the end, but really the beginning of another journey.

I've been thinking about Mikael a lot these days. I am going to miss him so much. In a way, I sometimes wish I could just have him there with me in Atlanta, but I know what's best even though what's best is sometimes hard to deal with.

Mikael is now wearing swimming goggles for some reason or another and is taking off his shorts. Why? I do not know. We have no pool of sorts. (Man, I love him so much!!!!!!!) He will be at the Senior Luncheon this Friday, probably wearing something shnazzy. I have to discuss this with my mom and check what he has. I have decided that I am not wearing a dress to this luncheon, but something "nice-looking." Bah to the dress-wearing yo!

So I am going to be honest. I do not feel like paying $7-$8 for drama and I think I will rather work the door and get in for free. I was thinking of bringing Mikael to the play, but I do not know how that will fair. I heard Rebekah has a potty mouth, but that doesn't matter because Mikael's favorite movie is Kill Bill 2 and I also think now Boa vs. Python which of course is about a great battle between the boa constrictor and phython snakes. Amazing indeed. A man tries to kill them Rambo-style in it. I think the play maybe too long for him though, so I think him being social at the Senior Luncheon is enough for him in one day.

By the way. Mikael is in love with all my friends and always wants to "play" or go to some "party" or "park" with them. I wish our neighborhood was better and he could play with the kids around here, but these kids around here are some damn hoodlums and dirt-doblins. Man, I sound like my mother. Crazy. Not really. I have several goals for Mikael. Among them are:

1. No jail
2. No babies until at least 25
3. No giving up on life and valuing it like crazy
4. Loving thyself
5. Respecting others
6. Believing that you can be do anything you want as long as you put your mind to it.
7. Appreciating the small things

Hm. That maybe too long for a 5-year-old, but whatever. I want to teach him so much. He has so much ahead and I just want to be there you know. That list is not even close to all the goals I have. I mean I have to teach him to be strong and persistent and that life is about hard work. Nothing is just handed to you and life is not supposed to be easy. I will not lie to him at all.

I could go on forever about this. So I'm going to ease it down yo.

I should study for these damn IB tests though. It's good that I am getting them out of the way now. I must do some housing stuff for Emory and work on scholarships some more.

Until next time....

~Bandass (my new nickname that apparently sounds dirty)

current mood: okay

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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
8:08 pm - These days and College
::clears throat for the billionth time today::

So over the course of the past 24hrs, my physical health has gone from just tired to tired, drained, and nasty coughness. ::coughs like a madman:: Hm..madman. What do they cough like anyway? I should say ::coughs up brains:: Yes, thats better.

So I woke up today. Fortunately. But all I have been doing is laying down like a whale. It's like I can't get enough sleep. I feel so lazy and bummish. I may be getting sick, but I dont want to. My spanish presentation is next week and I wanna go to Aerobics Monday. I dont wanna get sick!!!!! Bah!!

In lighter news, my college future is looking up. Wednesday I got my acceptance letter from Emory University. Woot! Woot! Many people say I can't go wrong with the school. It's great academically. Not too small. Nor too big. Not too far away from home, but far enough. Has an excelling debate program. Tis very diverse, like 40% non-Caucasian. And its located in the great city of Atlanta which has tons of opporutnity and great weather.

Emory is my first choice and my dream school. My parents like the school a lot and they also like it because my brother Jason, once called "Cuddles" in high school, lives down there. I guess that is a plus. I don't really talk to him much. The extent of our relationship before he left home was like this following scenario:

Jason, a stout boy, age 14, well-fed, with an occupied look about him , eating chips and watching television as usual. Candice, a young girl with pigtails, age 7 comes by out of boredome.

Jason: "You suck, ignoramous!!:"
Candice: "No, I don't, stupid head!!"
Jason: "Cry baby!"
Candice: "I'm not a cry baby. You are, ugly!!"
Jason: "Cry baby!!!" ::does hand gesture as if he were a baby::
Candice: "I'm telling! I hate you!" ::storms out of room all upset::

Yes, me and Jason's relationship has greatly improved these days. It now consists of love and gift giving during holidays. It may even get better someday if we talk more. There are some barriers though. Meh. symblings. They are crazy.

I think I have made up my mind though about Emory. The assitant dean of admissions at Northwestern sent me a little letter today saying that they are impressed with my application and I should just relax and enjoy the rest of senior year. I think that means I am accepted, but I'm sticking with Emory. Northwestern=huge and I need a smaller environment, one in which I wont be a number.

I have to work on money however. Emory is need-blind based institute, which is cool. I do have a need for dinero like crazy. I have to send in my mom's W2s and 1040s and all that jazz. My FAFSA though is like a tattered road with potholes about it. I keep having to make corrections and shit. I want it to be done! All of it! Blah! Scholarship journey must commence, which reminds me I need to go do one right now.

Me=excited despite sickliness. Aww, Mikael just did the sweetest thing for me. As I have been sprawlled about on the couch all day, he has noticed my lack of energy and sickness. He got me an alka-seltzer which tasted horrible because it was like lemon flavored, but thats ok. The thought of wellness overides the grossness a bit.

I should go now. I've rambled enough and you know me--I could ramble a bunch more, too, about any and everything.

current mood: happy

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Monday, February 7th, 2005
11:28 pm - distracted by some goodness
So I am sitting here thinking about cultural relativism and moral relativism. My TOK Essay is concerned with such topics. I am journalling my personal reflections down, but I cannot seem to get the ball rolling when it comes to actually beginning the writing, which is to be handed in first thing tomorrow morning.

So what distracts me? Randomness. Thinking of who I wouldn't date or get close to. Thinking of how things just wouldnt work between me and other people. But despite these trivial, semi-shitty things to ponder, it is overshadowed by a leap of humbleness within about my family or maybe just about my father.

My dad's birthday is this Thursday and I for the first time in like forever, really want to do something for him. Today, I thought about how my dad is a changed man. Dude, he made me a sandwich for lunch today. Ok, that's not all, but that's part of the reason for this random burst of thankfulness. From this thought, the fact that my dad is sincere, sensitive, caring, understanding (or at least tries to be), bright, and funny, and more came to mind and it kinda makes me wanna cry for he is a miracle in my life among many things.

I dont know why. I am random like helsa. But I dunno, thinking about my dad doing things for the family and how my family is becoming more i dunno..i guess more of an actual family these days in some ways just overwhelms me with thankfulness. Perhaps because I spend more time with my family and I am not always locked in my room, that now I see a few things differently.

I dunno. I am happy. Very thankful.

I just wanted to say that I love and love some more. And to say that I appreiciate today and everyday that passes.

Amongst some ugly and pain, there is beauty and joy.

Hmm..existence is quite complex, yet worth living.

Now, to my TOK Essay and more thinking about morals and shite!

current mood: thankful

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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
7:17 pm - ::whistles to Radiohead:: Hmm..Lent...Hmm..Religion
So I am thinking of Lent. I am not a very religious person. Spiritual, but not religious. Like, I'm not about the crucifiction or bible forreal. But I do feel like Jesus was a great guy. He practiced some deep shit, like "love thy enemies because what good is it if you only loved those that loved you" OMG! That's some quantum shit, yo! It makes Jesus a beautiful person in my eyes.

But anyway, Lent. So yeah, I have been thinking about it ever since me and Megan talked to Ms. Jones about it. Ms. Jones is apprantly giving up alcohol, red meat, bread, and i think something else. Megan asked me what I was giving up. She suggested G2 pens and I was like, "NO!" Like, I feel like that's nothing to really give up despite my special affinity towards them. I like a challenge. And I think giving up G2s will not be challenging enough to be honest.

So What I've been pondering about giving up for Lent. What could be challenging? ::strokes imagined beard:: I thought for a bit and thought some more and now my head hurts as a result.

A list has been commenced in which i title "Things that are dear enough to me to give up for Lent"

1. Masturbating
2. Cookie dough
3. Jelly Sandwiches
4. Oatmeal Cream Pies
5. Ice cream
6. Soda
7. Fast Food
8. Cursing

Those are the things I thought of. They are pleasure alright. I would love the challenge. Forty days and Forty nights without this is quite possible. I could totally do it. I could!

Man, shit! That is fucked up. What the fuck Lent? I would love to do this just to say I did it and to know that I could. But I dunno. No masturbating for 40 days. I could barely do 3 weeks whilst at debate camp. Another 3 weeks and I would have had a spontaneous combustion. And cursing. Shit! Fuck. See, look at that, I'm already cursing about not cursing.

Oh look at the self-defeat already.

But yes, I shall try. Beginning Wednesday and see how long I can go. ::giggles:: Crazy, man. Crazy.

OMG. I just realized that I am going to church tomorrow for the first in like some years. It brings back catholic school memories. I remember one time we had mass and i was sick and my dad gave me a dose of robitusin of like i dunno, maybe a quart full or so, and I kept falling asleep on the edge of the pew and my teacher kept hissing at me and i was like, "::covers face with coat::"

Man, catholic school was weird when I think about it. Its even weirder that I never did anything for Lent while going to parochial school and now I am thinking of doing something now. What happened? Jesus, God, and Mary were like part of my life everyday then. Praying in the morning, before lunch, and before home. I guess, religion was just something that was just there. I never really grasped the concepts or thought about them. It was like I was a drone, listening to the information that teachers taught me, repeated the prayers we had to say because it was the rules, and remembered information from the religion books just for a grade. It was all rules or maybe just words. In the end, religion became meaningless to me.

But that's changing these days.

I hope there is a higher power or "God" out there. You know, just someone watching over me. And this idea that there is a divine plan of sorts. Or i dunno..i can't really explain it. I am just really thankful for what is and have this strong sense of hope within me about my life and myself. Something keeps me going. Something has got me this far. I have a reason and purpose for being here. When I wake up in the morning I tell myself that I am here for a reason even when I feel like going back to sleep and never getting out of the warm covers and going to school which can be many times really shitty for me. Yet, I still go. And I tell myself never to stop. Never give up. Yesterday I told God that my death is no longer up to me, but up to him. If it is my time to go, it is my time to go, but that is no longer an option for me to even consider. Taking my life is not up to me and thus I should not be scared about that anymore because my life is not in my hands in that sense. Like I have free will to make decisions that can screw me over later. But the decision to give up is no longer an option. Free will does not thrive in that department because that department just doesn't exist anymore. Nor do I want it to come back either. To be honest, twas/tis a bullshit department anyway.

Hm...I just ranted like crazy. But that felt good. I love ranting sometimes. And I just noticed that Rant is such a neat word. Just say it outloud to yourself...raaaaaaaannnnnt! Kinda reminds me of cunt.

Anyway, this entry is long enough. ::yawns:: I need to go and do work and shite! Love you all!

OOh...question! Does saying "shite!" "fark" or phrases like "flarken tark" count as a curse word?


current mood: cold and headachey

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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
9:21 pm - teaching, visions, college plans

I think I have been sick for about at least a good month now. I'm getting better though. At least my lungs and ribcage dont hurt anymore. I no longer need someone like a Carolyn to catch my lung from my ass anymore. Except! Those very few moments I have termed "coughing my brains out" attacks I get like before I call someone or when I am about to say something important to someone.

So no teacher strike. My mom came home despondent/not really despondent and was telling me about how the Board is effed up and how she can't wait to retire in the next two years.

It's rather sad. My mom has so much passion for teaching and it is something she told me that she has always wanted to do, but the education system has worn her out. Her passion is there, but she is just tired and getting frustrated with everything. The fact that she has her masters plus 30 hours and she doesn't get the resources she needs for her students or the pay she deserves makes retirement look like paradise to her. Granted, my mom could go out to the county or to some other district and get paid muy bunches of oats more, but she doesn't because her heart is with teaching city kids. My mom always tells me that "our children" or inner-city Black, children need people like her who are dedicated and also understanding of their lives. Thus, she stays in the city in hopes of change.

Man, I love my mom.

Hm...I feel like reforming the education system now just for her and teachers and administrators that want and need change as well.

Even though I don't debate anymore, I miss it. I'm always afraid that the debater in me has died, but it hasn't. I'm always thinking of change or reforming policies. I hope I never lose that. Hopefully it will take me somewhere in life. I envision the UN and Kofi Annon. He probably wont be UN Secretariat by that time though, but hey he's still in my vision. Anyway, that's why college, I will do debate once more and redeem the debater within. My dreams of making it to NDT or CEDA Nationals will materialize and I will be in outrounds and then judging other debaters. Oh man, what if I teach another team to debate and then I coach them all the way to NDT or NFL Nationals?!?! Man, that's amazing. Me heart patters fast to that thought.

That reminds me, college is imminent ("impending..about to occur") I think I am going to apply to two more schools before the end of this week or by next monday. Michigan State University and University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. The schools are large; MSU is like one of the hugest colleges ever in the US, but I'm applying because a) it=good school b) it has a good debate program and the coach just emailed me (that's some goodness right there) and c)i think i will be fine and happy there.

I need to go read Jane Eyre who looks ever so meek on the cover and makes me not want to open the pages to the book. It's like she is telling me, "Please...don't come any closer. Stay away for your own good." That could just be me though, but oh well.

Off to reading which will lead to my eyes burning and prepping for school tomorrow. ::big sigh::

This mini-break was good while it lasted.

current mood: bouncy

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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
1:20 am - curses like pirates and randomness

I think that is the main sound I made today. Today, my identity consisted of me being a pirate. I cursed and moaned about every other word. Words were either:




"Damn it!"

"Rawrter Rawrter...Sharter Sharter Fark!"

"Sh..... argh!"

And since I can't really curse because Mikael is around me a lot, the curse word "fuck" has now been transformed and revolutionized into "Flarken Shark."
I'm now thinking of changing me saying "aww fuck.." into perhpas, "Oh my flarken Shark Cape Cod!!" Or how about..."Jumping Johova Sharken Tark!"

Shit! Mikael just heard me say "aww fuck" outloud. So much for improving my cursing.

But I have to somehow. I have a dirty mouth. I know. A dirty mind, too. I don't know what I can do to fix that. Hmmm...think "pretty thoughts" like flowers or rosemary???? I don't know. I will see.

It's just that right now, my legs are screaming. Is it possible to bruise from the inside? Because its like, "ow" and when you touch my legs, they are like, "ow ow." (Yes, because they are so hott.) But no, I went to Aerobics yesterday and I stayed for the "after-party" or the extra class which invloves lots of working out with a chair. It basically consist of working on your arse and thighs and waistline. I must've done like 50 squats, yo. Well, maybe like 20. But that's not the point. The point is that my legs are like "shit, you suck, Candice. Why did you do that?"

But I love the pain. Like me and my dad said, "No glory. No pain." Or I think we mixed it up. "No pain. No glory." Give me more, I see. I mean say. Perhaps a little masochistic we can say? ::shakes head:: Yeah. Maybe.

Pirate Time!!


I did an art piece today. I think I will title it, "Hope" or maybe something like "Failing to Fail." I don't know. I did it with Hannah's chalk pastels she got me for TOK's secret santa. Mikael watched me and he wanted to help, but he couldn't because his idea of helping is "Let's draw a big rainbow with our feet and hands!" So he got mad because I denied his service unfortunately. But I just did a pinky swear with him. I promised him that we will draw rainbows and our feets and hands tomorrow with the chalk pastels. That shall be a happy and messy thing. ::big sigh for prepping operation "Clean Up Chalk on Aisle Hallway Floor":::

Hmm..what is tomorrow? Sunday. I still need to buy Jane Eyre for Economon and do my CSS Profile and fill out my FAFSA shit.

I need to visit colleges and also Egypt. I feel like seeing the world and I keep getting Egypt with big McDonald's golden arches in my head. I will go to Egypt someday and hopefully not just see McDonald's yo. I promise myself I will. I must never forget. Tis a life goal of mine now.

::sigh:: It's late. I should get some sleep. The Ram's game put me to sleep like hella. Dumbasses...or arses I should say. Not really, they made a good effort to get to the playoffs. I must admit I gave up on them a long time ago and I couldn't dare to jump on the bandwagon now. Oh well, I hope they went out with glory because I threw in the white flag on them during the third quarter.

You know what I had a vision of today while watching the Rams game though? Being a referee in the NFL. I thought it would be an exciting job to do. Or maybe its because I enjoy the tight pants and uniforms the players wear. Or maybe seeing players slap other players' asses. Or maybe its because I find football an exhilarating sport which so much stress and passion can be taken out on another player. MMMmmm...tackling.....mmmm. That's exciting.

I think I have a lot of pent-up energry within because I keep thinking of doing crazy things like skydiving, which is something I want to do one day or maybe parachuting over Lake Tiho which I just made up because I like the sound of that lake. I wonder if it actually exists?

Eh..I dont know. Maybe I will ask me future website husband, google. I will google it for sure.

It's late. I need to sleep and think of somethings that needs to be done.

nighty night/good morning to all!

current mood: content

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
3:40 pm - The Big 05: Little Wee One's B-Day!!
Crazy sound making time!!!

Rawr! Rawr! Rawr!

So I took me a power nap when I got home. Is that supposed to be one word? Powernap? Hm.. I dunno. It doesn't matter. But yes, it twas a good nap though. I put on the Matrix and slept for a good 2 or 3 hours. Good nappin there.

Now I am set for the rest of the day. Which is great because Mikael turns five today!!!!!!!!! ::long whistle:: oh... and let's not forget a ::big dance::

So the big O5. Five years already. Too much, man. Too much. I cannot believe he is five. Where has the time gone? Many people told me that it would go by fast and at the time I was like, "yeah...yeah...whatever..." When he was just born, I did not know what was ahead of me. Crazy times, yo. Unexpected times. When I actually look back on things, shit was hard, man. Ewwww...I just had a memory of him crying at 4am and I had to get up and feed him and then whilst trying to burp him, he had a massive puke attack. Eww. All down my back and shoulder. ::shudders:: Yuck.

But that is ok. Times may not have been so happy for me, but I have learned to enjoy Mikael being in my life. It took me sometime. I must admit that I see his life as a gift and not one as a burden or mistake. Hm...typing that makes me cry for some reason. I'm soo weird! I'm just too emotional and sensitive, yo!

But he is a joy and is beautiful. He will be one hott, fine young man who all the ladies and queer boys will chase after. I must teach him how to not be an ass when it comes to loving and caring about people who like you though. I don't want him to go around breakin hearts and him not caring about it. That would annoy me. Thus, he will be a caring, respectful individual.

Hehe..me and my dreams for Mikael.

I must not forget that he will also be increadibly smart, too. Right now, I see Mikael being a marine biologist, eytmologist, geologist, or a paleotologist like Ross from friends, but he will be better than Ross. Yes, all my careers for him=him being an expert of something. Hehe....

But he will grow up to be whatever he wants to be. I will tell him that the sky's the limit and always follow your dreams even when they seem impossible. (I sound really cheesy right about now I bet.)

Hm..he is only five though and we have a lot of time ahead of us. Omg, he will be 6 next year, and then 7, then 8, then 9, and soon the big 10. OMG..Ok..must settle down.

For now, I await for Aerobics and some cake and ice cream party!!!!!! For some reason I thought of playing some Peaches, but I do not think that would farewell with my family and yes, it's just not appropriate.

I must go though. Sorry if this entry is filled with my future dreams for little Mikael and me crying. Eh, what's new of the Candice?...not too much, yo.

I missed Geo-Party. Me and Trebek will meet tomorrow at 3:30 and commence to have mad, hott, mental Geo-Party mind sex. No, it's not gross if you are thinking that.

Anyway, love you all!

current mood: emotional

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Monday, January 10th, 2005
2:04 am - uhn finals...ooh gamecube!
Man, its 2 freakin A.M.

What do you say to that shit?

Uhn!! and WTF, mate?

I enjoyed my weekend while it lasted. I slept and did a lot of art. I did not go anywhere, but it felt good to relax at home. But I was sick like helsa and it hurts to laugh now. That's rather sad since I admire the fact that I can laugh at any and everything though shit bothers me a lot. I can laugh at the way this manatee is looking at me from my wall right now. Why? Because I'm crazy weird like that, yo.

One increasing joy that I am finding these days is Mikael's new gamecube he got for christmas. It's SWEET in all caps lock, yo. I love playing this Capcom vs. SNK 2.0 yadda yadda yadda title fighting game he got from "Santa Claus" or better known as my big brother, Jason. So much violence, but yet so much hilarity and goodness is shared when you reach a 15-hit combo. I feel like Kris and obsessing over DDR. Talking about combos and shit like that. It's crazy, man. But anyway, it brings back sooooo many memories with my brother, Jason. I used to always watch him play Streetfighter on nintendo all the time. And I used to be his cheerleader and now Mikael is my cheerleader of sorts. We always congradulate each other when we beat the computer. A typical snippet of scene goes like this:

(Candice seating on the floor close to the television playing fighting game)

Me: Oh crap! Where's my C-groove?! Ahh! ::slight scream:: He got me with a 10-hit combo. Crap! Crap! Crap!

Mikael: Get em. Win! Win! Win! Go! Go! Go! ::jumps up and down off the couch:: You win? You win? ::pretends to fight the computer while accidentally kicking me in the side::

Me: Ow, Budha!

(Scene contines for the next hour and a half.)

Tis joyful, yo!

So this spanish final? Hmm..what can I say? Los valores son ideas abstractas que miembros de una cultura aceptan lo que se considera bueno, deseable, moral, por lo contrario, malo, undeseable, y immoral.

What the hell is that? A whole entire fucking sentence from an article I memorized up the ass. Let's hope I pass with flying colors. I want an A in that class. ::coughs of pain:: ::sniffs:: Let's just hope I remember stuff, but I have to journal for Economon and do my IB Paper 2 before Wednesday. It will be a journal of Hamlet. It will be about his over-analytical and procrastinating nature. I will get that done soon because its me final.

Hmm...IB Math can suck the right tit, my man. And IB Bio Test which=IB Paper 3 can suck the remaining tit, yo. And HOA...shit HOA...I don't know what to say to it. What's left to suck?..... My big toe. Yeah, suck my big toe, HOA 2.

I'm tired. I'm typing "suck my big toe, HOA 2." I know something isn't right now. Bed, here thou comes. But before I leave, I must say......

To Everyone:

Good luck on your finals. I hope everyone passes them with flying colors and get their desired grades in their classes. I wish no failing upon anyone and if this semester sucked gonads for ya, I wish you a better semester next time yo. Good luck this week.



nighty nighty

current mood: having to pee/anxious but ok

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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
12:44 am - ::coughty cough coughs::
I think a lung just came outta my ass from coughing so damn much.

Carolyn, where are you to catch it?

So I think I officially got sick from kissing Mikael. That shit about me having a stronger immune system is exactly that--shit. I may not have anything serious, but its worst than usual. I think I have been having the sniffles for at least 3 weeks. WTF, mate?

Happy that Drama shit is over. I dont think I will be doing the Spring producation. Too much stress I feel and plus I feel like drama is just not my thing. But hey, I'm just saying that now. I might change my mind later. And people always manage to talk me into doing the damn plays. Oh how I follow people's requests sometimes.

But it was nice having Mikael and my Mom and Dad there. I thought about a lot of things in regards to me and high school and family. I have always tried keeping home and family separate for reasons of shame and fear. But I think I'm growing outta that shit now. I didn't care when my family was there. I was more excited about them being there than anything. Perhaps because I want Mikeal to see me do well in school and I want my family to be there for me and make them part of my life which is something I haven't really done before. Doing things like inviting family to school functions= me not feeling like I'm hiding my family away from people and Mikael enjoying watching me in the play and seeing my friends and him wanting to do a play. Tis beautiful!

But today, I was doing some thinking lately. (Like that's new) And so today I was thinking of what I am going to do in college when I miss Mikael. I was thinking of writing him a lot of letters or sending lots of gifts to him when away or something. I will miss Mikael a lot and I know I will probably be so happy/kinda sad when I talk to him on the phone while away from home. But it will be ok. I will come home to visit. It makes college kinda scary, but exciting.

But I need to get out of st.louis and get away from home despite my love for Mikael. My parents want to see me graduate from college. I will be the prodigy of the family, yo. And I want to be someone great and fulfill all my dreams. See and meet new people. Discover opportunites and just get away from the monotony of today. Just a fresh start you know. As me and my mom say, "Different Places. Different Faces." Tis exciting!

But thats ahead of me for now. I need to go visit colleges soon. But for now I must think of today and cannot go past a few days from now. Doing so overwhelms me. Thus, I reside in doing my stupid art workbook. Well not stupid, just argh!

::coughs up a fifth lung::

Bye for now.

current mood: cold and excited and crazy

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